Hogs | Lake Powell | Monkey Business | May 2023

Thursday May 18

The largest group in years included Jan, Jorge, Andy, Emma, Ben, Juan Diego, Ritziko, Jordan, Alicia, Brent & Cristina but was sorely missing our calm, collected but dangerous Brad LaFame. J & J secured spots at Starr Springs two nights ahead of our arrival and were treated to didgeridoo solos from the only other camper nearby.

The rest of us left at about 10:30 due to traffic, meetings, throwing-back-out-cooler-lifting & dog drop-off delays. We met up with Jordan & Alicia at Chomps where we bought a piñata and hit the road. Utah greeted us with the most spectacular blooming desert any of us had ever seen, and Brent could not stop gushing over the orange flowers in particular. The requisite Green River for Pugs and Hanksville for gas stops were made before we were greeted by J & J and 17 million mosquitoes. We were later introduced to bongo drum guy who was sometimes also flute guy and didgeridoo guy.

Around the fire, the crew decided on the Hog Canyons of which there were several to choose from. Jordan & Alicia opted for a Maidenwater hike, but Jordan promises next trip he’ll canyon. It is written and therefore he must.

Friday May 19

Hog Two

Just as we began the hike from the trailhead, another group of cars pulled up with plans to do Hog Two, but we beat them to it, which turned out to be a good thing. The hour-long trek in was sandy but easy, and the drop was a gradual down scramble. We soon arrived at the first of several spanning sections, and newbie Ritziko didn’t hesitate, which was impressive, especially given her short-person problems and how scary spanning can be. Spans led to some narrow chimney downclimbs and lots of squeezing through tight slots. Shoeless Ben felt the squeeze most and also finished with the most exfoliated feet. Packs were passed and shoved, zippers and dry bags were casualties. The three rappels had straightforward starts, and only the last one led to an awkward section of less rappelling and more sliding down the rock at an uncomfortable angle. The final problem—in true final problem form—was the crux (in my opinion). Two ladders weren’t quite long enough to drop you into a pocket seat for the last bit of squeeze to the waist-deep pool at the bottom, but once in the pocket, it wasn’t as scary as I thought it was, and yelling at Emma for its sketchiness was indeed unwarranted. Sorry, Emma. My freak-out probably didn’t help Ritziko feel very confident about following me down, but short-person problems were an advantage here, and she lost a lot less skin than Brent did when I told him to wedge his hips before the jump. Sorry, Brent. Looking back at the beta, it seems this final dark pit is referred to as the birth canal. Ok.

The exit led to a meander through a dry riverbed where we discussed doing or not doing a second canyon. Ben and Emma were wholeheartedly prepared for another fork, Ritziko and I were wholeheartedly not interested. Andy was kind enough to join the Heck Yes crew, even though his back wasn’t happy about it, and Brent and Juan Diego were kind enough to escort the Nope crew back to the car. As the Nopes had no maps or waypoints, we all took the path of most resistance, which involved a bit of exposed climbing onto endless vertical slick rock, which is no one’s favorite. We split up at the Hog One drop-in and left the three harder-core canyoneers to it, making it a 4-hour and 50-minute car-to-car day for us, as well as for the other group who made it back to their cars at the exact same time. They told us Hog One was a doozy, and we told them Hog Two was fun and several hours later back at camp when Andy, Emma & Ben appeared, they had many more holes in their clothes than they did when we left them. Doozy indeed.

Jordan & Alicia spent their day bushwhacking through what turned out to not be the ideal desert hike they’d hoped for but made it back to camp intact.

Ben rated this canyon day a 10, and we unanimously rated Ben a 10. Everyone else gave the Hog something in the 7+ish range. Ritziko was an absolute trooper and a welcome addition to the group, but canyoneering hasn’t entirely won her over (yet). Perhaps we’ll try the other Hogs on a future trip.

Saturday May 20

We’ve had more than one canyon day that included glimpses of Lake Powell but always at a distance and never from a pontoon so this year’s extra special boat day was a real treat, thanks to Jordan & Alicia. Checking in took ages and we didn’t leave the marina as early as we hoped, but the delay gave the rain-threatening clouds just enough time to clear out, and we had nothing but blue skies for the rest of the day. Jordan captained the hell out of that pontoon and took us on a lovely tour. Ben and Emma finally got to use the wetsuits they packed instead of shoes and helmets, and Ben impressed us with his flying paddleboard landings. We played in the water, lunched on a beach, and ended the too-short day drifting around a picture-perfect cove guarded by our very own canyon goblin who scared off any boats that came our way.

We stopped for proper showers on the way out and headed back to camp for ladder golf and an evening of celebrating. Brent sent Jordan on a vision quest for the perfect stick, which he found, and we gathered around the piñata to haze congratulate Dr. Lee on his graduation along with the happy news that Emma will be welcoming a new LaFame in November. Neither of them downed the piñata, but Alicia did. She then had to bludgeon it repeatedly as it turned out to be a sturdy cardboard box full of un-enticing candy, but watching everyone swing at it with a bag over their heads was entertaining.

Sunday May 21

Monkey Business

After breakfast, we bid Jordan & Alicia farewell as they were on their way to hike Arches, which would undoubtedly be better than Maidenwater, and planned to spend the night in Moab. Juan Diego & Ritziko opted for a camp day so the remaining four of us headed out for some Monkey Business. The group decided on this one the night before as it was the easiest of the options provided. We’re getting old.

The approach took less than 30 minutes and narrowed almost immediately after the drop. Having borrowed Brent’s shoes and Juan Diego’s helmet, Ben was more excited about the initial squeeze and wondered who might’ve set this spectacular route. It seemed there was a perfect hand and/or foot hold exactly where you needed it, and each turn or elevator deeper into the canyon revealed the same. We eventually got to what we thought was the first rap on account of some deep grooves in the rock and opted for the fiddle stick. Andy didn’t remember how to use it but did remember to bring the instructions, and after about 30 minutes of practicing, it was set up and ready to use, only to find this was not the first rap. Oops. Once we did reach the raps, we used a biner block and did not die. High fives all around. The starts to each of them were trickier than the starts on Hog but once over the edge, they were fun. I thought perhaps the final one with its exposed ledge for clipping in might knock off a point or two, but it did not, this canyon was still awesome. The pull cord was too short to pull from the bottom of the last rap, so Brent—one-handed and dangling from his rope—tied on an extra bit. That was neat. We unharnessed and packed up for the outhike, which usually instills some dread. If the hike itself doesn’t do you in the unrelenting sun will, but the weather was perfect with a slight breeze and patches of cloud cover as we reached the exit for an excellent scrambly playground straight up and out to a gentle slick rock push at the end where we met the road and passed some idyllic campsites. We were also followed by some very dark skies. When it began to rain a bit, Andy, Brent, and I hightailed it to the car to pick up Ben and Emma who had taken the harder exit and were down the road a ways.

I did not keep notes, but I think Monkey took us about 5.5 hours. Conditions were ideal, I never got my feet wet thanks to Brent and the princess move, the canyon was beautiful and SO MUCH FUN. And even though we picked the “easy” one, it offered plenty of challenges, at least for an old lady with a sprained ankle. I don’t know that it’s my very favorite, but it firmly makes my Top Three Canyons, at that time and in that space as well as here today and all of time, everywhere. I say we get all the LaFames back to try this one again someday.

Back at camp, it rained for a bit, which meant most of the group climbed into the camper until it passed. Ben roasted marshmallows with a lighter–lots of entertaining firsts with this guy. The rain let up in time for our final dinner after which we packed up the kitchen so we could hit the road the next morning as we’ve pivoted from breakfast burritos to Duke’s to save time plus Duke’s is awesome. Not good, necessarily, but awesome. Jan & Jorge stayed behind to load up everything we couldn’t fit into the cars, and after the Duke’s stop, the rest of the drive was what we’d hoped for a non-holiday Monday.

Another successful canyon trip for the books, and if we’re lucky we’ll have another one to report on this fall.